Understanding and Addressing Your Child’s Reluctance to Attend Therapy
Going to therapy is hard enough for adults! Fear, stigma, and misunderstanding of how therapy works sometimes stops adults from accessing support. It probably comes as no surprise that children might not want to go either. Many children are afraid or nervous to go to therapy, especially if they believe they are going because they are in trouble or shouldn’t be having the feelings they’re experiencing. How do you get your child to go to therapy? Get to the root of why they are resistant to going. Here is what I recommend:
Clear up any misconceptions about therapy to your child. Children may have heard the word “therapist” or “therapy” before, but they might not have any idea what that means. Consider explaining to your child what a therapist does (play, talk about feelings) and does not do (give shots or medicine). Books can be a developmentally appropriate and fun way to introduce therapy to your child. I recommend the book “When a Donut Goes to Therapy” by Erin Winters.
Don’t make therapy a punishment for their bad behavior. Children have sometimes told me their therapy goal is to be “good”. Be mindful of when you mention therapy to them– avoid mentioning it during a stressful or challenging moment and instead consider bringing it up during a calm moment. Consider sticking to the facts about what you notice rather than speculating about their inner world; for example, “I notice you’ve been spending more time in your room lately” rather than “Ever since you got into video games, we hardly see you anymore.”
Consider alternative modes of therapy. Some children prefer to stay home and have appointments via telehealth (virtual therapy using your phone, computer, or tablet). Some children may be nervous to meet one-on-one with an adult they don’t know or trust and open up about difficult subjects. Group therapy with other children their age may be another option for them.
It’s possible that you’ll say and do everything you can to cast therapy in a positive, non-judgmental light, and it still won’t change your child’s mind. It is really hard to “therapize” someone who doesn’t want to be in therapy. I will sometimes ask children if they want to “test-drive” therapy by coming to a specific number of sessions, like 3 or 4, to get the feel of it. If they still don’t want to come, it is important that you listen to them and hold up your end of the bargain.
If a child is forced to attend therapy long-term against their will, it may give them a negative perception of therapy and keep them from seeking help in the future. I’d rather give kids a sense of agency, and let them return to therapy on their own terms when they feel ready to do the work.
However, if you suspect (or your child has told you, or you have witnessed) your child is self-harming (e.g. cutting themselves) or is having thoughts about wanting to die, they must go to therapy for their safety. A therapist can help you and your child create a plan for safety as well as develop tools for safely and effectively coping with challenging emotions and situations.
Explore therapy options for your child with a free initial consultation.
